So Handsome.

I'm still so crazy in love with this man. Somehow, I think this will only continue, thank goodness. For those of you who don't know... I'm kind of a notebook junkie. I have twenty plus notebooks filled with nonsense accumulated over the years. I don't know why? Sure, they're special to me, but they're not filled with anything particularly special or important. It's really just a release for me and it always has been. I'm free in my notebooks. I wish I was more free when I typed. It doesn't work the same way for whatever reason. Anyway...I was just shuffling through some old notebooks, and found this entry:

Background-- this was June of 2008, nearly three months before Ian and I were engaged to be married. At the time I was living in Salt Lake, and Ian was in Rexburg. It was tough. We look back at this time as the sappy point in our relationship, so beware.

Ian left this morning. He came as an impulse Friday night-- as we had both reached a boiling point of not seeing each other. It wasn't as bizarre and heart wrenching this time though. This could be for many reasons-- but a part of us figured that we're getting use to the distance. As Ian put it "this is the everyday us now." While this is true, a part of me knows I'll never quite adjust. I will adjust as far as my duties are concerned-- especially in the way of optimism and growth, but I don't think I'll fill the void that is Ian. It's almost as if it was always there, even before I met him. This empty space that I dealt with every day because I knew no other way. Now that I'm filled-- I hope to never be empty in that regard again, for I will feel the difference. As soon as my connection and enjoyment of a friend such as Ian settled in I realized how much enjoyment I was without. I've become a very large sap because of this it seems. It's not as if I was in a horrible place without Ian. I've actually loved my life. I've discovered a personal confidence. I've become my own. But somehow--my seeking enjoyment and coming to the person that I am, the person I love to be has been rewarded with the company of a man that has done the same and manages to love those things in me. It makes living life exciting and worthwhile. It enhances the enjoyment I already had by ten. From black and white to color. I'd imagined having that color when in black and white and it's everything I imagined and more. I love him.

Sappy, yes. But somehow I'm glad I went through a syrupy phase that allowed me to articulate Ian's addition to my life so well. It was lovely to look back on. It made my day. And I remembered Ian as the whole insanely amazing person I married, instead of the limited every day view of my Ian, which is still cozy wonderful and good-- but without all its parts. I am blessed.